Department of Intelligence/Reports/The mistakes we made
This is a Department of Intelligence Report for the story The mistakes we made. ---- Allow me once again to express my pleasure in the existence of disguise generators. "But Kyaris," you say, "surely you prefer to be in your natural form!" Well, in some ways, yes - but a miniature hydra is hardly a suitable body to be wandering around the Word Worlds in. For this story, I'm in human form, following a girl named Evelyn. Apparently she's 1800 years old, and living in a 'parralell reality', having been sent there by Galadriel to keep her safe. Why Galadriel would do this for her and not for, you know, anyone else in the history of Middle-earth (sorry, 'Midell Earth'), goes unexplained. My guess is she wanted to get rid of her. The story is a fairly generic girl-falls-into-Arda tale, with the (again, common) quirk that Evelyn is the child of a canon character, specifically Elrond. As is usual, she's been transformed into a human for her stay on Earth - I'm sorry, I have to ask, why did Galadriel think the Earth of CE 1000 was safer than Third Age Arda? Given that she calls her supposed granddaughter back when the Ring is uncovered, I think my 'get rid of her' theory is looking more and more likely. I duck out of the way as Evelyn sees a familiar face - Haldir of Lorien. Yes, the Haldir who canonically had never left the Golden Wood. Here he's Evelyn's guard and only visitor. Quirkily, he's transformed into a human for his visit to Earth, although this is barely mentioned. Haldir explains the backstory to Evelyn, and she demonstrates spooky levels of 'empathic' abilities. They're actually fairly well presented - she reads emotions, not thoughts. Unfortunately, they're in such detail that it pretty much counts as telepathy; she can read 'joy, joy to see me, and joy that I could return home'. A portal opens all by itself - because Galadriel apparently has portal technology now - and Evelyn and Haldir step through, followed closely by 'Gabriell', Evelyn's friend. As Evelyn points out, 'What kind of an idiot jumps in an unknown portal?'. We walk to Rivendell, which is now a city or town in a forest - it's funny how the 'riven' part never seems to register, isn't it? As the chapter rolls over, I read ahead to see parenthetically translated Grelvish, Elvish servants, Celtic designs, and a bizarre statement that seemed to imply the author thought Galadriel and Elrond were of the Valar, or rather Valor. That was followed with Designated Mysoginist Boromir, 'she elf', and ultimately an 'Eleven companions' line. I've seen enough. The main character is a Mary-Sue - she hits all the regular cliches, and she has absolutely no narrative depth. Her reactions to traumatic and joyous events are equally nonexistent, and she's quite happy to remake the entire world to allow her story to exist. I take a portal home, grateful for once to be back in my own body. ---- PPC Intelligence Report Fic: The mistakes we made (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9055520/1/) Description: A Mary-Sue daughter of Elrond, having lived a thousand years on Earth, is brought back to Middle-earth in order to join the Fellowship. She drags a random human woman with her, who may turn out to be a secondary Sue. Plot Holes: Galadriel can create portals. Evelyn is special for reasons not very well defined. She also seems to grasp a thousand years of missed history very quickly. Problem Passages: 1) But most of all I remembered my grandmother, who had me hidden here, to protect and prepare me of a prophercy she herself made. A prophercy that fortold the wakening of a great evil. I was kept safe, but my home, my Rivendell, my family and the entire Midell Earth wasn't. I was safe in this parralell reality, where my gradmother sent me, but I had to return one day , to destroy a great king, destroy or be destroyed. In one fell swoop we have a new 'prophercy', a 'parralell' reality, and the Sue being wildly extra-special. 2) " It has been forseen by both me and your grandmother " my fahter started, " that great things will happen tomorrow, every race has sent their representatives, and after a brief discussion with your grandmother it has been decided that you will represent Rivndell." I noded my head in understanding. This could be expected, I was in fact a lady of Rivendell, and by birthright had, as any of my sibilings, the right to represent my home. I briefly wondered why the Valor would have it that I was the one to represent it, but quickly dismissed the thought. The will of Valor was not to be questioned. The Valar have been turned into the Valor, and this passage strongly implies Elrond and Galadriel are among their number. Further, this discussion involves the Mary-Sue apparently representing Rivendell - at the Council of Elrond, where one might imagine there was someone rather more involved with the Last Homely House. Primary OC: Evelyn (daughter of Elrond) Type: Mary-Sue. Half-elven, though I don't think she knows that. Absolutely no emotional depth. Secondary OC: Gabriell (human female) Offences Against Canon: The aforementioned portals, Haldir wandering the world, Rivendell is a forest, Boromir is a Designated Mysoginist, most other characters OOC, the Mary-Sue exists as a 'special' daughter of Elrond, two extra members of the Fellowship, vast numbers of mini-Balrogs. Additional Comments: It should be noted clearly that the author is a non-native English speaker. The generally strange and often incorrect English spelling and grammar should be excused - for the circumstances, it's actually quite good. However, the same doesn't apply to the proliferation of mini-Balrogs, or the use of Grelvish - especially since it is translated in-line, which has never been a good idea. Lack of familiarity with the language doesn't excuse the rather feeble 'look what I can do now!' plot, either... Category:Intelligence Reports